What to do when someone close to you dies
When someone you love dies, time can feel elastic—rushing and dragging all at once.
Even if you’ve talked about plans, the first hours and days can be hazy.
This gentle guide is written for Victoria, Australia, to help you move through those first practical steps with a bit more ease.
Keep it handy, share it with family, and remember: you don’t have to do this alone.
Support from a funeral director, a funeral celebrant, or a death doula can make all the difference.
1) First things first: confirm the death and breathe
If the death occurs in a hospital or aged care home, staff will confirm the death and guide you through the initial steps.
If it happens at home, call the person’s GP or an after-hours doctor to verify the death.
If the death is unexpected or the person’s regular doctor isn’t available, call emergency services.
Take a slow breath—none of this needs to be rushed. You are allowed to pause, sit with your person, have a drink, and gather yourself.
If your person dies at home
In Victoria, it’s legal to keep your person at home for a time, provided they’re cared for appropriately.
Many families value a quiet few hours (or longer) to say goodbye, invite in close friends, or simply sit in stillness.
This is where home death care and home funerals come in.
You can engage a death doula or a community advocate to help with gentle washing, dressing, and creating a peaceful room.
Cooling aids (like portable cooling plates) can be arranged through a funeral director or home death care providers.
2) Who to call (and when)
A doctor or nurse to verify death (if at home).
A funeral director—if you want professional help with transfer, care, and logistics. You can make this call whenever you’re ready; it doesn’t have to be immediate.
A death doula—if you’d like non-medical, holistic support for you and your family, especially around vigil, ritual, and advocacy.
A funeral celebrant (or Melbourne funeral celebrant if you’re in the metro area)—to craft and lead a ceremony that feels like your person. Celebrants can be contacted early to help shape plans from the start.
If the death needs to be reported to the Coroner (for example, when the cause is unknown or certain circumstances apply), the process is different: your person will be transferred to the Coroner’s care first.
A funeral director can still guide you—call them for advice; they’ll liaise with the Coroner’s Court and keep you updated.
3) Take your time with goodbyes
Modern Australian funerals are more flexible than many people realise. You might choose:
A home vigil: Keep your person at home for a day or two, invite family to share stories, write letters, play their favourite records, or sit quietly. This is a profound form of home funerals and home death care.
A private farewell: A small viewing or ceremony for immediate family before a larger memorial later.
Modern funerals in meaningful places: A sunlit community hall, a favourite garden in Melbourne’s inner north, a beach pavilion along the bay, or a bush setting outside the city. A Melbourne funeral celebrant can help unlock venue ideas and logistics you might not know about.
Cultural or spiritual practices: Your celebrant and funeral team should advocate for your traditions—smudging, chanting, incense, prayers, or quiet secular ritual.
There is no single right way. The best ceremony—whether minimalist or richly ceremonial—feels true to your person’s story.
4) Paperwork and practicalities (the calm version)
A few documents will need to be completed. Typically:
A doctor issues a Medical Certificate of Cause of Death.
Your funeral director lodges information for the official death registration and Death Certificate.
If cremation is chosen, additional forms and permits are required (your provider handles these).
You’ll be asked for personal details about your person (birthplace, parents’ names, occupation, etc.).
It helps to delegate one organised family member or friend to gather these particulars.
Your funeral director can also help create a simple checklist so you’re not hunting through drawers during a hard week.
5) Choosing your support team
You can DIY some or all aspects, or you can bring in professionals. A balanced approach often works best.
Funeral director: Coordinates transport, care, mortuary preparation (if chosen), venue bookings, crematorium or cemetery arrangements, and essential documents. Many directors are comfortable with family-led participation, home vigils, eco-options, and innovative venues—ask about their openness to home funerals and modern funerals.
Funeral celebrant: Designs and leads the ceremony, writes the eulogy (or supports you to co-create it), coordinates speakers and music, weaves in rituals, and ensures the event runs smoothly. A celebrant with experience in modern funerals can suggest creative elements: funky venues, live music, collaborative storytelling, participatory art, or a memory walk.
Death doula: Offers non-clinical, heart-centred support—before, during, and after death. Doulas help with vigil planning, family communication, sitting with grief, and advocacy for your wishes. They’re particularly helpful in home death care settings, ensuring the family feels supported and confident.
Tip: Ask each professional about their philosophy. If they talk about personalisation, consent, transparency in costs, and collaboration with your family, you’re in good hands.
6) Shaping the ceremony
A meaningful farewell is anchored in story. Here are thoughtful elements a funeral celebrant can help you weave in:
Arrival moments: Quiet reflection, a slideshow, or a table of treasured objects—recipes, footy scarves, gardening gloves, a well-loved book.
Rituals: Lighting candles, writing notes to tuck into the coffin, biodegradable flower petals, or a hand-washing ritual to symbolise care and release.
Participation: Invite guests to share a sentence, sing a chorus, or add to a communal artwork. In modern funerals, guests are not just observers—they’re co-creators.
Music: Live strings, a local choir, or their favourite vinyl. Sound sets tone and texture.
Place: If you’re in Melbourne, think warehouses turned event spaces, community gardens, coastal chapels, or small theatres. Many venues welcome ceremonies during daytime midweek.
Your celebrant will map the flow: welcome, acknowledgements, life story, readings, music, tributes, quiet time, committal, and closing.
7) After the ceremony: what comes next
Grief rarely moves in a straight line. Plan tiny acts of care in the days after:
A shared meal or picnic in a favourite park.
A memorial project: plant a tree, commission a small artwork, assemble a recipe book from their favourites.
A delayed scattering or interment gathering when the weather (or the family) feels ready.
Practical follow-up: contact banks, super funds, utilities, memberships, and update digital accounts. Keep a simple spreadsheet; it’s less overwhelming in small, regular sessions.
I have created a list of excellent bereavement support options here.
8) Money talk, with kindness
Transparency helps. Before committing, ask for an itemised quote from your funeral director and celebrant. Discuss venue fees, flowers, printing, webcast options, and any after-hours costs. If funds are tight, consider:
A smaller private farewell now, with a public memorial later.
Community venues and DIY florals.
Leaning into home funerals with professional support only where you need it.
Modern, meaningful doesn’t have to mean expensive. Modern funerals are about heart and relevance, not price tags.
9) Eco-conscious choices
If sustainability mattered to your person, ask about:
Locally grown, in-season florals or foraged greenery (where permitted).
Low-impact coffins or shrouds.
Reducing single-use items; digital orders of service; lift-share transport.
Natural settings for farewells (subject to venue and council permissions).
A Melbourne funeral celebrant familiar with green options can guide you through what’s practical and compliant in Victoria.
10) Permission to do it your way
The quiet revolution in end-of-life is about reclamation—bringing choice, culture, and personality back into farewell. Whether you want the intimacy of home death care, the steadiness of a trusted funeral director, the creative direction of a funeral celebrant, or the holistic support of a death doula, you can build a goodbye that feels right.
A simple checklist to get you started
Take a breath. Sit with your person if you wish.
Arrange verification of death (doctor/nurse or emergency services if needed).
Decide whether to keep your person at home for a time.
Contact a funeral director, death doula, and/or funeral celebrant for support.
Gather personal details for paperwork.
Choose the form of farewell: home vigil, intimate service, memorial, or contemporary venue—embracing modern funerals that reflect your person.
Consider eco and budget preferences.
Plan small acts of care for the days and weeks after.
If you’re in Melbourne or regional Victoria and need a steady hand, reach out to myself.
I have a vast knowledge on local venues, suppliers, and the gentle choreography of loss.
I also know good people that can help with the administrative steps —freeing your time for love, stories, and the slow work of goodbye.
And for an excellent checklist on what to do if your partner has died, follow this link!